Keep Him In The Little Cage In My Chest
2006-01-04, 16:17

In the continued spirit of overanalyzing, welcome to the entry where I wonder where the heck I'm going with my life as it stands - or wobbles, if you prefer.

Here I am, 35 years old, and have just marked my first year as Sock Tester for Employer, Inc. (I am now also officially an Internal Auditor, so it's not just socks anymore, bub.) Not exactly the path I would have chosen for myself, but here I am, and grateful that I'm working for a company that's loyal to its employees, for a change.

I find myself at an impasse, though, or a crossroads. I've reached the point where I either need to start plunging my head further into the inner workings of this company, or I need to find something, someplace else to work. Being an auditor here has given me a road toward learning all the nuances of the company, from the inside out, back door to front door. It's a tempting thought, and I can certainly see how I might be able to stay on here for a goodly long time, judging by circumstances as they are here now.

But is that what I want? Does it matter anymore what I want? Am I past the ability to choose where my life goes and left now just to follow where it leads? Did I ever make a choice as to where my life was going in the first place? I've always considered myself a rider on the winds of fate, and it's had its good points and bad points, to be sure, and made just turning a corner interesting sometimes.

And it's one thing to live that way when it's just you; it's another when you've got others relying on you as well. I feel like I'm to the point where I need to sacrifice my feeble needs and desires for the greater good of our family. The question/problem is, won't that then effectively destroy the person I am, making me not the person my wife married? Won't that kill our relationship? If I'm not the funny guy with hopes and dreams of a more artistic, brighter tomorrow, than who the hell am I? My father, pretty much, and that's not a good thing.

-- End Transmission --