Nine days?
2003-10-03, 8:27 a.m.

I could have sworn that I'd made an entry sooner ago than that. Ok, actually I've been putting it off. I'm one of those where, the more something is left undone, the harder it is to pick it back up again. More things pile up to talk about and the idea of writing about it all in a shot seems too much. Even now I'm losing my train of thought. So I'm just going to force this one just to get it out, and we'll see what comes of it.

So anyway, it looks like the house deal is going to happen, finally, barring some other unforeseen circumstance (a.k.a. further interference from The Lawyer). Yesterday, our loan guy, Rich, got a first-hand phone experience with The Lawyer, as he got a call from said on some details of our Purchase Agreement. Now he knows what we're dealing with here. Sorry, Rich.

Meanwhile, I'm still pretty much out of the loop in the process due to my work schedule. You can now, however, call me Supervisor (not that I really want you to). I've been 'promoted'. And oh, the perks of the position! I get to be in charge of someone, namely the guy who screwed up so much on 1st shift that he had to be sent down. And I get a huge raise of $0.00! That's not a misprint, folks-- zero dollars and zero cents. Apparently they won't have money for any kind of raise until the 1st of the year. SO I'm a supervisor and I make the same money as the guy of whom I'm in charge. That, my friends, is a sweet deal. If we'd been in a better financial situation, I'd have walked out right then and there. But alas, we're buying a house, so I just need to grin and bear it and hope I can find something better and soon.

If there's a silver lining to this cloud (let's call it a tarnished tin lining), it's that what I'm doing now is a little easier. It shouldn't be, but it is. Plus, I think command, such a it is, sits well on me. In a way, I get to use my paternal skills in the real world-- in an almost literal sense, considering the people I work with. Sometimes people make me sad, sometimes sick, sometimes angry. There are a couple of people there that I actually like, and I'm hoping to inspire them to save themselves once I find the light at the end of my own tunnel. This place is no place for real people to work.

H and I got into a discussion last night (as we oft do, to torture ourselves with less sleep for the oncoming day) which included, among other things, the possibility of me going back to school. My worry (and there always is one) is that, should I choose a direction and it doesn't work out, it'll have been a great waste of time and resources and we'll be in an even deeper hole than we are now. I realise now that this is a stupid argument for a number of reasons:

• even if I don't go in the direction I'd like, which is professional editing, a degree is a degree, and an English degree is even something that looks pertinent to real life.
• half of what's talking is fear of change
• the other half talking is fear of failure-- I've already attempted college once, and... well, I didn't fail, but it didn't take, either. I wasn't in a mental state to be able to keep it going. Not to mention I was dirt poor. Now I know I could handle it, now I know I'm more stable and willing to persevere, make the most of it. It's hard to focus on Algebra when you're floating through life, lost.

So I reckon the whole idea is worth looking into. Something needs to change, because the work direction toward which I'm headed now is leading to nowhere but the deadness of pointless existence. And that's just not me.

I'm learning that fear of depression is just as bad as the depression itself. Or maybe they're one in the same. For instance, I too often think that my wife will one day get sick of me and be done with me because I'm too much a sad sack depressive freak. But then the worrying about that makes the chance of that occurring all the more possible. It's a fun ride, this anxiety/depression mix. It certainly keeps me on my toes. And what to do about this-- See a therapist? I can't imagine a therapist being able to untwist me out of this knot. But maybe this is just me being negative and fatalistic, in the same way I can think that going back to school is fiscally dangerous and implausible. Something to think about, I suppose.

☯

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