Ooh, You're Making Me Live
2007-05-01, 15:11

Once again, I'm pretty sure that we have the most awsomest little demon child evah. Never mind that she's completely willful and likes to stomp her foot and throw things when she doesn't get her way. Never mind that she's constantly on her step stool to see what we're up to on the kitchen counters. Never mind that she's always on the look out for new and better ways to pick locks and thwart safety measures (she figured out the cupboard latches in two days, and we have to hold the door knob covers with duct tape so we have time to stop her before she gets those open: once she even demanded, "No you [as in 'don't', a cure Laurana-ism] put tape on it!"). Never mind that when she's in a mood and falls or bonks herself, she'll get up, clinch her fists and growl as the nearest person. All that gets offset by things like this:

We were getting ready for bed, and Laurana hands me a board book version of The Little Mermaid (the Disney version; I've also been reading the original Hans Christian Andersen version to her as she falls asleep lately) to read to her. It's a complex book that reflects the most intimate details of Ariel's (pronounced by Laurana as EH-wuh-wuhl) world, like, (opposite a picture of the crab) "Sebastian loves music." One page is, "Flounder is Ariel's best friend." Sitting on my lap, she turns to look at me, pokes her little index finger at my chest, and says, "You're my best friend."

Many hugs and kisses quickly followed.

Once again, I'm pretty sure that anxiety is taking over my existence. While I think I'm getting stressed out less often than usual, my anxieties are on the increase. I think part of it is the onset of May, my least favourite month. Another part is all the mental free time I have at work, allowing my mind to wander in directions is normally wouldn't bother with. Another is my apparently DNA-ingrained need to never be happy. I find myself thinking of things that are good in my life - a strong marriage, (mainly) wonderful kids, a decent, relatively low stress job - and then contemplating all the terrible things that could possibly go wrong with all of them. Always worried about getting fired for this or that. What if one of the kids gets hurt or dies? What if Laurana ends up hating me? What if H realizes what a dink I am and finally gets to the end of her rope? These are thoughts that go through my head often. Maybe that's the case for a lot of people, especially parents. But it ties me up in knots, and I get stymied, and I get all but incapacitated by it sometimes, which only makes it worse. I feel like I'm being ruled by my fears and anxieties, and that's no way to live. I, and everyone around me, deserve better.

But I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I need therapy - that's for people who are hiding things from themselves, and need someone to talk some sense into them. I'm quite the opposite; I can't seem to hide anything from myself. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't need a psychoanalyst - I need a philosopher. And maybe some happy drugs.

I'm just happy that I'm able to write today. My thoughts have had broad shoulders lately, and the doorway's been narrow.

We have achieved convergence. This weekend, we merged the main household computer with the entertainment system (the same thing, you say? exactly my point!), creating one cohesive unit, the Master Control Program of fun times (I fear it may start asking for macaroni art, soon. Yes - that's it! I shall name our entertainment center Moses!). Stereo, Cable, computer w/ high speed internet, all in one place, to be viewed on our newly purchased, slightly used (it was a floor model clearance) 56-inch Mitsubishi DLP projection screen.

You may be asking yourself, how did I get H to agree to this? Honestly the overall concept was a mutual idea, focused on centralizing and making the hideous desk the computer was on go away to make more space in the living room. And there was the added bonus of movies and music from the computer going directly into the sound system. The problem was, the TV is freakin' huge, or at least seemed so where it was originally. So consequently we ended up rearranging the entire living room to move Moses to the other side of the room, which entailed my rerouting not only the cable and phone lines that were routed over to the computer desk, but also moving the main line itself over to the opposite wall - well, floor by the opposite wall. And while the lines were disconnected, we'd have no phone, as the house phone is through our cable company. Anyone who's ever dismantled a cable setup and reassembled it knows that invariably there's something that goes wrong somewhere along the line.

But, amazingly enough, the whole process actually went smoothly, and everything was up and running again inside an hour. The only thing that wasn't put back in the mix was the cable line that runs to spread the joy of music to the rest of the house. My all-house sound system is jaw-droppingly over-complex, involving VCRs and stereos and coaxial cable. But it works. Or at least it did, and will again. And it makes it so we can have music in the breezeway, kitchen, basement and living room all at the same time. Party house!

And of course, with Moses in the house now, we have less reason than ever to go to the theater. I can wait for the big summer blockbusters to go to DVD, because it'll be just as big at home. Besides, the popcorn I make at home is better that the theater's - I have sworn testimony on this. And we can watch movies in our jammies! Not that we haven't been to the theater in our pajamas before.

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