Weak Simulacrum
2007-03-12, 15:16

Well, I managed to finish Lila on Friday, and I have to say that I'm grateful to Laurana for handing the book to me countless times from our bedroom bookshelf (watch how I don't attach any significance to this!) and inadvertently continually reminding me that I wanted to get back to reading it. I'd go into a long diatribe about the book at this point, but there's no reason to do so. I'd just bore you, and most of the things I learned from it only make sense to me, at least at this point. Suffice to say that the book has helped me reinforce some of the views I have on existence and helped to coalesce some others that I had difficulty wrapping my head around. It's added a number of significant supporting blocks to my own personal worldview structure.

One thing I do find interesting is how different I am from the author/narrator/protagonist, and yet how similar my views are on the world, at least in a general sense. I'm certainly nowhere near his level of intelligence, am not in any way as organized and have no similarity to his precision analytical mind. In a way, I feel like a weak simulacrum, a failed attempt to create a right-brained version of the author. Have I debased myself enough yet? Sheesh. For some reason I'm loathe to even try and compare myself to someone who's spent so much time on the subject and how dare I think I could be anything more than a pathetic wannabe. Which I suppose I am, in a small way - a wannabe. Sure, I'd like to manage to get all of these substantial thoughts out of my head and form them into something that will affect other minds in a beneficial way. But that takes a level of control and organization that I do not possess and don't know if I ever will possess. So be it.

Something else I've gotten out of this book is a glaring spotlight on my preposterously inadequate and inconsistent social skills. I tried to explain this to H, but I don't know if I got it out to her correctly, which I suppose is appropriate considering the topic. I asked her, "You know how, when you're being social with people, how it just sort of happens automatically - you don't have to think about it, it just happens naturally?" (And yes, sometimes I do speak with hyphens.) She seemed to mostly agree with the rhetorical question - which made me feel both good and bad, because it reinforced my understanding of others and reinforced my inadequacies at the same time. So I told her, "Well, for me, I have to think about it all the time, every single second," which is true. When I'm interacting with someone on a purely social level, every sentence has consequences, everything sounds trite and pathetic unless it's laden with meaning. Unless I'm drunk and can manage to keep myself from hyperscrutinizing everything I say, or if I'm familiar enough with the person to be constantly real and deep and quirky like I am pretty much all the time.

And I don't know why I'm not just myself with people in general. It's a lot of pressure and responsibility, getting to know people, because people require upkeep, and I don't have the memory for quality people upkeep. Getting back to people, sending Xmas cards, wishing happy birthdays, complimenting on outfits, asking about the kids, these are the things I'm truly terrible at. And it's not that I don't care (well, I don't sometimes), but it's just that I don't think these things need to take up my time, because there's much more interesting things to be talked about. I don't need to waste my time making other people feel better about their shallow appearance or validate their social existence.

That sounds callous, and I don't mean it to sound like most conversation is a futile gesture. And in reading the last paragraph, I realize that I'm talking about two different things, 'water cooler' talk and actual casual conversation with individuals. At least, it's different for me. I dunno. I'm still working all of it out in my head.

For the last couple of workdays, I've had the full-on Internets, so I've been able to chat with the wife online, which is both pleasant and makes the day go faster. Here's a snippet of our pathetic cuteness:

H: i don't know if you were aware of this but I love you
me: really? coz I love you, and stuff.
H: sweet! do you think we could go steady?
me: I don't have a class ring. you know, to give you.
H: bummer. letter jacket?
me: I could write a letter about a jacket
H: would you really do that for me? because i think i would like that

So I immediately sent her an email:

[H];

I have been lead by my superiors to understand that you are interested in information on JACKET. Here is what I know on the subject of JACKET:

• JACKET can be warm
• JACKET can 'break wind'
• JACKET can keep rain off your torso
• JACKET come in a variety of styles and colors
• some JACKET are made from denim
• some JACKET have dinosaurs on them
• some JACKET don't have pockets
• JACKET cost money
• JACKET are fun

I hope you feel that you are now better informed on the subject of JACKET. Thank you for your interest.

-- End Transmission --