Headline
2006-08-25,

DOROTHY GOES TO OZ; FINDS NIGHTLIFE LACKING, MEN BOORISH

New York, NY: The famed writer, poet and girl-on-the-town, Dorothy Parker, found herself in a blustery situation last week, when she was inadvertently whisked away to the once-thought fairytale land of Oz. An unpredicted tornado, seen rarely in major cities, tore through Central Manhattan last Tuesday, scooping up Ms. Parker, along with her dog, Toto. Commenting on her previously unpublicized dog ownership, she said, "Dogs are man's best friend, and apparently so was Alan [Campbell, her late husband]."

Now safely back in her New York apartment, Ms. Parker shared with us some of her myriad experiences in the realm of witches and munchkins. "Not much different from here, actually," she told us. "Only the colors there were much too bright and cheery for my eyes."

"And there was no gin," she added. "Dreadful."

Ms. Parker didn't seem to think the people were much different, either. "Freakish people lined the streets, going on with crazy stories about green-skinned witches and airborne simians," she noted. "And everyone, inside the city proper or elsewhere, were singing constantly. It really got my goat after a while."

And while she told us that she had some traveling companions along the road, she chose to speak little of them. "All I can say is that tin fellow kept telling me that he needed something else oiled, but I refused to let him show me what it was. And the straw man kept sharing lewd jokes about 'stuffing' things," she shared with a visible shiver.

"I think the lion man was afraid of me," notes Dorothy. "Whenever I got near him he would pretend not to notice me and lick himself."

After her endeavor to return home - "It involved raising my heels, not clicking them," is all she would say - Ms. Parker now plans to seclude herself in the luxuries of her apartment. "From now on, if I even think about a cloud, I'm staying in." She also told us that she would put the tale of her dreadful journey to paper in a memoir, tentatively titled, 'Not Fond of Rainbows'.

-- End Transmission --