Reestablishing a Trend
2005-12-13, 16:18

So much that is left unsaid.
So much that we cannot say.
So much that we must leave behind us.
So much that we can never let go of.
So much that will never go away.

So much that will never go away.

So much that fills our hearts.
So much that empties our souls.
So much that lifts us up
So much that drags us down.
So much that will never go away.

So much that will never go away.

So much to live for.
So much to love.
So much to cry for.
So much to fear.
So much to hide from.
So much to hide.
So much that will never go away.

So much that will never go away.

So here I be, after a month of silence. It's been a hard month, in many ways. I've found myself voiceless, for many reasons. Caution, fear and self-recrimination have been muzzling my ability to express myself, barely left me the ability to speak sometimes. I've spent time fearing what I say out in the world, lest it be held against me. I've spent time worrying that the path we've chosen is leading us to a cliff's edge. I've spent time afraid that I'd lost the hand that I hold when braving the darkness. I've spent time wondering whether I'm a contribution or a detriment. And I'm not sure that I have any answers.

But I've reminded myself that I can't spend every day contemplating the abyss. That, or I've managed to synch myself with the rest of the world enough to be able to use my voice, if only a little. Either way, I'm back at this again, for what that's worth.

Hard month, hard year. This, one of the most important years of my life, the year we adopted our little girl, should have been magical and perfect from start to finish. Instead, we've had a year of fear, shame, desperation, anxiety, depression, anger, confusion, disappointment, letdown and, sometimes, outright misery. And above all this is held up our journey to China, our weeks of bliss (ohbuttheyaretaintedaren'ttheybythephonecallsandemails), our first meeting with our soon-to-be daughter, the pure joy of this new life in our circle. In my mind, I hold this up above the rest of the year; I have to, because if it sinks, settles into the mire... I can't let that happen. Perception is about association, and there are aspects of my life, voluntary or otherwise, that cannot and will not ever, ever mingle.

So how's that for a happy jump-start to my journal? I'll be better tomorrow, I promise.

And with that, a Big Audio Dynamite song pops onto the airwaves. "It's party time, do what you like." The better is coming.

-- End Transmission --