Big Destroyer
2004-04-20,

Silly boy you got so much to live for So much to aim for, so much to try for You blowing it all with paranoia You�re so insecure you self-destroyer

(and it goes like this, here it goes) Paranoia, the destroyer (here it goes again) Paranoia, the destroyer

I�ve realised why work is stressing me out so much. Every time I make a mistake, I think to myself, �oh geez, this is gonna get me fired.� This then frazzles me into making more mistakes, naturally. By the end of a bad day, I�m in a knot.

But why I�m paranoid about losing my job is that it�s so directly tied to our getting a baby. Sure, we could survive a little while if I did lose my job, but adoption would be right out the window. I guess I have it in my head that I�m poised to ruin everything we�ve been working for at the drop of a hat and at any given second. Which is crazy, sure, but knowing that doesn�t change my stress level much. Add in the fact that my supervisor really doesn�t seem to like me for some reason, and all happy time funness.

I�m really starting to regret getting involved with A Grand Night..., mainly because it�s taking up my time. I keep feeling like there are so many other things I could and should be doing. H keeps telling me that if we don�t have time, we can get some people to help us out occasionally. But really, do I want to ask someone to help with something around the house just so I can do something as frivolous as this? It makes me feel stupid, and it makes me not enjoy working on the show because all I can think about is all of the things I should be doing except that. So if I�m not enjoying myself, what�s the point? I suppose that it�s socio-politically the right thing to do if I want any chance of doing something more interesting later on (a.k.a. Sancho Panza). I suppose I�ll just have to deal with it.

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